A lesson in European culture taught by crazy Dutch dudes

This week I had one of those ‘Only in Europe’ days.

I recently joined a volunteer organization, Zeilen Van Vrijheid (“Sails of Freedom”). The group takes donations of emergency vehicles and supplies from around the world and delivers them to Ukraine. This week was my first assignment - drive 1 hour to Eindhoven Airport, pick up 4 drivers returning from a convoy to Ukraine, and drive them home near Amsterdam.

Who knew you could laugh and learn so much in a little over an hour! These guys were the stereotypical “Crazy Dutchies”. They were awesome.

I’ve touched on many differences between the US and EU including views on the Russian threat. In general, the war in Ukraine affects all of Europe, and Europeans are far more likely to donate money, goods, time… ambulances… and even their homes. We’ve met many families (including our Dutch neighbors) who sponsor Ukraine refugee families, some of them inviting refugees to live in their homes until they get settled. The Netherlands spends 1.7% of its GDP supporting Ukraine. The funny thing is there are many countries in Europe doing the same or more.

The war in Ukraine is top of mind for nearly everyone in Europe. There are countless charities and fundraisers supporting Ukraine with money and goods. My four companions were back from doing their part delivering emergency vehicles to Lviv.

My four tired friends, Huib (H-ou-b), Klaas, Florens, and Aadferd, were very happy to see an SUV pull up to load their luggage and drive them home. A Cayenne is a gigantic car for Europe. Even still, there was a very funny jostling for who had to sit in the middle back seat. Huib, the eldest of the bunch grabbed the front, which left the other three in a pitched battle reminiscent of the three stooges for who had to sit in the middle. Lots of laughing and wrestling later, we were on our way.

Before we could talk about Ukraine, they quickly honed in on me being an American. I fielded the usual questions, but in rapid-fire… 

“Did you vote for Trump?” 

“Why do Americans vote for Trump?”

“Why are you in Nederlands?”

“Do you shop at Costco?”

I answered their questions, and told them I did not shop at Costco, but I was enjoying Sligro (Imagine if Costco and Whole Foods had an illegitimate child they hid away in a European boarding school), which I first pronounced with a hard ‘g’ like an American, but then corrected myself with the guttural Dutch ‘g’ pronunciation. They laughed and informed me that they would not have to shoot me if we were ever at war! This was a reference to the Dutch resistance during WWII. In short, they came up with a bunch of Dutch words that Germans, Vichy French, and Italians, etc, could not pronounce. Since German and Dutch are very closely related languages, and the countries are so close, many German spies spoke Dutch and tried hard to infiltrate the Dutch resistance. I earned myself a little street-cred by knowing this, which opened up the conversation a little more.

As expected, these guys knew far more about American politics and American history than most Americans. 

Eventually, the conversation moved to them humorously explaining EU politics in such a way that even an American could understand! Some of this I’ll paraphrase the less family-friendly parts…and, remember, these aren’t my opinions, just what I was told.

No one likes France. France is that extremely arrogant guy who ends up just surrendering.

Belgium is the neglected step brother in Europe who everyone beats up on, but he does make great waffles.

Sweden believes it is God’s gift to humanity and claims credit for everything.

Denmark is like the aged thug attached to an oxygen tank who still thinks he’s tough because he beat everyone up 200 years ago.

Luxembourg is your little sister who talks funny, but made an obscene amount of money in banking.

Spain traveled the world stealing everything not nailed down and then spent it all on … hired friends and party favors … and today has little to show for it.

Ireland invented many things… but most by accident, and most without realizing it until someone else improved on it.

England is like the sadistic older brother who lives to torment Ireland. They also voted for Brexit… and are only now understanding what that means.

The one thing that can be said about Scotland at any point over the last 1000 years is that they are angry. Angry. ANGRY!

As we were laughing our way down the road, they then told me Wales was the low rung on the intelligence ladder… to which I responded that I have a lot of Welsh blood… and that unless any of the drug-using tulip-lovers in the car wanted to walk the rest of the way, they should reconsider that!!!

The drive was like a 70-minute improv comedy set the entire way.

We then moved on to the EU perception of Americans. They said the general consensus was that Americans think they understand everything… but actually know very little about the world outside of America. They commented that Americans take it as an affront when someone has a different culture / belief system / language / understanding of the world. In short, we are not thought of as a very tolerant bunch. Sadly, I couldn’t really argue with that after spending the last seven months as a non-tourist witnessing American tourists behaving badly. All of this was said in fun in between lots and lots of laughing, but it was only funny because it was more true than not.