Italy: Where Beauty Wins and Functionality Loses (Spectacularly)

Ah, Italy. The land of pasta, passion, and a proud tradition of making absolutely nothing work—at least, not in the way you’d expect. This month, Mike and I were lucky enough to spend five days in Tuscany, thanks to our friends Pete and Kate, who invited us to their rented villa. Fortunately for them, and unfortunately for us, too many of their invited guests accepted their invitation so Mike and I found ourselves in a hotel 15 minutes away. 

We’d been to Italy before—back in 2019, we did the grand tour: Rome, Paestum, Tuscany, Florence. So we knew what to expect. Or at least, we thought we did. We were ready for five days of rolling hills, hearty hikes, and, most importantly, Mike’s favorite activity: driving. (The Italian speed limit is 130kph, which is 30kph faster than in the Netherlands. For those of you who know Mike, you can already see why he considered this the best week of his year.)

Renaissance Priorities: If It Looks Good, Who Cares If It Works?

Italy is basically the world’s most beautiful malfunctioning machine. Somewhere around the 1400s, the nation collectively decided that aesthetics were everything. Functionality? Not so much. It’s as if Michelangelo himself declared, “Let there be beauty! And if the plumbing doesn’t work, just paint a cherub on it.”

Exhibit A: The Hotel Room That Time Forgot

Our hotel had clearly been remodeled—sometime around the Summer of Love. The room was spacious (by European standards, which means you could turn around without knocking over a lamp), but the design choices were...creative. Take the bathroom door, for example. It had round doorknobs, which, in a wild plot twist, you do not turn. Instead, you press a button on top. Because nothing says “relaxing vacation” like playing Escape Room every time you need to pee.

Exhibit B: The Disappearing Cement Block

Over at the villa, the owners had a cement block at the driveway corner to stop rogue drivers (read: us) from cutting corners. But this is Italy, so an ugly cement block would be a crime against humanity. Solution? Hide it with some grass and flowers! Genius—until you realize that now, no one knows it’s there. We discovered it the hard way, by scraping the side of the rental car. But hey, at least the landscaping was on point.

Roads, Weeds, and the Italian Way

Driving in Tuscany is an adventure, and not just because of the scenery. Most highways are two-lane affairs, but every five kilometers or so, one lane is mysteriously blocked off for 500 meters. No construction, no broken-down cars—just a lane, abandoned to the wild, with weeds growing through the cracks. Our theory? These are endangered Italian weeds, and the government is protecting them from the evils of Michelin tires. The more likely explanation? They ran out of money and just left it. Priorities!

And then there are the drivers. Italians treat lane lines as mere suggestions, preferring to straddle them like they’re auditioning for “Fast & Furious: Florence Drift.” Passing? Sure. Otherwise, let’s just all drive in the middle and see what happens. For Americans, this is mildly terrifying. For Italians, it’s called “Tuesday”.

In Cortona

But Honestly? Still Worth It

Despite the “form over function” approach, Italy is still Italy. The food is so good it makes you question your life choices. The tomato sauce tastes like someone just squeezed a sun-ripened tomato directly onto your plate (trust me, you don’t want to try that in the Netherlands). And seeing friends after 11 months? Priceless.

So yes, nothing really works in Italy—but when you’re surrounded by that much beauty, who cares? Just don’t expect the bathroom door to open on the first try. Or the second. Or the third…