Why Our House is Smarter than We Are

Let’s take a quick break from the fall sports lineup and our travel blog to revisit our new house; which, for the record, is now officially smarter than we are.

In addition to our Arabic-speaking dishwasher (who politely refused to speak English) and the gold bathroom fixtures that are now worth more than Bitcoin, we’re beginning to understand the quirks of our high-tech habitat.

Let’s start with a short list of our own personal “Internet of Things”, which, at this point, could double as our very own data center:

• 48 light bulbs

• 10 thermostats

• 7 smoke alarms

• 4 security cameras

• WiFi router

• Front door lock

• Doorbell

• Garage door

• TV

• Stereo system

• Hot water circulation system

• Heat pump

• Solar panels

• Tesla Powerwall

• Tesla charger (universal, because that’s how they do it in Europe)

• Elevator

Plus, our car has its own app. Its charger has a different app. Even our e-bike has joined the app party.

Now, some of these systems share custody of an app: our lights and water recirculator co-parent, while the Powerwall and charger are also a matched set.  But otherwise, each device insists on its own app, log-in, password, and firmware update schedule.  

The Early 2000s Called

Setting all of these up has felt oddly nostalgic. Remember 2004, when transferring contacts to a new phone meant manually typing in each friend’s number? I reconnected with that vibe last week, one Bluetooth pairing at a time. Those were the days when your social circle was directly limited by your finger typing stamina.

A few years later, phone stores started doing some mysterious ritual in the back room to migrate your contacts. Then came iOS, with its magical “transfer all settings” moment. Cue angelic choir.

Fast-forward to now: I have spent two hours trying to convince the front-door lock that I am, in fact, its rightful owner. The thermostats still ghost me, the elevator runs random midnight self-checks like it’s auditioning for a haunted house, and the solar app has “pending access request” written all over it. 

How long until they figure out how to make IoT “just work”?

Meanwhile, in Domestic Enhancements

We did make some upgrades. The original freezer was about the size of a baguette box, which is fine if you’re European and shop daily, but not for someone who enjoys the security of enough frozen food to survive a minor apocalypse. So we bought what they charmingly call an “American fridge” and installed it in the laundry room. Alex now has ice on demand, Mike gets more than one flavor of ice cream, and I can actually freeze things larger than a sandwich.

Then there’s the steaming situation. When we moved in, I saw a “steamer” and thought, “Oh, a steam oven! How fancy!” Turns out, it’s just a glorified sauna for vegetables. It maxes out at 100°C: not enough to reheat leftovers unless you’re very patient or very French. It is apparently great for proofing bread dough, though, so Mike has claimed it for “baking experiments.” I’ve since bought a microwave, because life is too short to wait an hour for lukewarm lasagna.

Style Meets Night Light

The interior design includes glass bedroom doors. Very chic. Slightly horrifying. The motion sensors in the hallway make sure that anytime someone moves even slightly, the lights flare up. Because of this, no one sleeps through a midnight snack run.

A very stylish bedroom door

Despite all this, we really do love the house. We’ve added plants that make it look less like a tech lab, and we’re slowly taming the landscaping. We’re still waiting on the shipment of our things from California (estimated: six weeks… actual: three months and counting). But once it arrives, I’m sure it’ll finally feel like home, assuming I can get the lights to stop automatically turning on every time the cat walks by.

If a future post is titled “How I accidentally bricked my elevator,” you’ll know I had a very bad day.